Mendel you are who you are, what I see is what is. There are no secrets, no alterior motives.
Will I ever be able to be like that? When will I be able to look at myself in the mirror and say- this is ME.
If you don't like who I am go shove it.
I need to constantly be challenging myself. I need to be moving forward. I need to be able to hold myself proudly. It seems as though I am constantly worried. It seems like I am always worried that people will find out who I really am, and once they do- they will leave. Is this true Mendel? It seems as though everybody loves you. Your smile is captivating, and you are a magnet of goodwill.
I know that this might sound ridiculous Mendel, but I envy you for this. I try and make people like me. I try and hide my faults. In essence it would seem as though I am living, to a certain degree, a lie.
How am I so sure of this???
I know that I am improving. I know that we all wear certain masks, but I know that I am not SIMPLE.
This is holding me back. Putting a burden on my progress, it is in essence holding me back from being happy. "ulyoatzei shalom simcha"- Mishlei 12,20.
What is the reason that all my relationships are not at face value. Why am I drawn to those people that I know are similar to me- hiding behind masks of normalcy? Is that the reason that my relationships all end in disaster???
Why is it so hard for me to establish real relationships? Why am I so worried- or perhaps terrified and I can't show it? Is it basic male testosterone, or is it more than that?
Mendel, how I wish I had answers. How I wish I could tap into my potential. We are similar Mendel. I know that this sounds impossible, but we are. We are both trapped inside ourselves. The only difference Mendel, and for this I envy you… I am to blame. I hold the torch of deceit – of temporary- of Golus.
I want to let go!!! I want to be simple…
To continue this thought: Why is the flash, and the cash so appealing to me. I have come to learn that it's all fake, a big bluff. A matrix.
Happiness comes from restraint. From being able to "dechiyat seepokim"- the beginning and end of maturity.
Also, being able to face oneself. To dig deep in my personality and soul – to discover who I am.
Am I so terrified to do this – because of what I might find- Or because of who I will become.
Through self inspection I might come to find that I actually like myself. That I am good. Can I live with that? All indicators show to the contrary. I keep self indulging. I continue living with no bearing… I feel as though I believe that I don't deserve good. WHY???
What am I punishing myself for? If I can't uncover the truth – IS there a way to convince myself that I deserve good? By sitting here and admitting that I have this problem- Is this the beginning of the process?
I know it is. Then like I said about challenging myself- I must start guarding my relationships. I must start examining my actions – examining my intentions and motives. I must start believing that my actions have results that effect others. Even though I currently believe that I don't deserve good, well that is no justification to hurt others.
STOP THE HURT, START THE HEALING.
Mendel, you heal me. You prove to me that I need to find me. Otherwise well.. I will Self Distruct.
And I have finally reached a place where I can say for a FACT- with all my HEART that I don't want to do that.
0 comments:
Post a Comment